Awww... Bless Your Heart

There is so much controversy about spanking or how to discipline your child these days. Books upon books are written, and articles and news stories and psychological studies. I know, I’ve read a ton of them. I’ve talked to a ton of people about it. I’ve asked opinions everywhere. I’ve picked the brains of many, including ministers, friends with children, friends without children, friends who were spanked growing up, friends who weren’t, friends who were abused, friends who weren’t, family, doctors, speech therapists, strangers. Everyone has a different answer or theory from the obvious “Spare the rod and spoil the child” to “If you spank your child it causes sexual deviation.” Really? So, I won’t tell you my opinion here about whether or not to spank your children, or whether or not we do, but what I will tell you is that as long as there is no abuse to how you discipline your child, the consensus is that it really comes down to how the parents feel, how the child reacts, and that you are consistent with your discipline and NEVER EVER hit out of anger.

What I will tell you is that we have decided, because of trying to avoid spanking, that we will on the rare occasion “pinch” our child when we have deemed it the appropriate punishment. This avoids spanking and is something that we barely have to use any pressure or inflict any pain but gets a good response where our rambunctious boys will quickly stop their unwanted behavior if threatened with. Whether you think it is wrong or not, it is what we are comfortable with.

The other day my husband, my two sons, and I were at the flea market. We put Noah, the three-year old, in his stroller for his own safety. There was a big enough crowd there and enough cars driving by that we felt he was safest confined to the stroller. While we were there Noah often tried to get out of the stroller. When he did he would walk with us for a little bit, then run off, which of course is dangerous as he could easily get lost or stolen. So, we decided to leave the flea market because it was proving difficult with Noah. On our way out, with Noah in his stroller, I admit something caught my eye and I stopped for a moment. Noah proceeded to try to climb out of his stroller again. My husband, Brian, simply said to him “If you climb out again I’m going to have to pinch you.” A woman a few feet away just had to say something to Brian, chiming in “Why don’t I pinch you!”

Really? Are we going to go there? Of course this situation escalated and things were said. In the end, Brian and I just wound up walking away from this ignorant woman and with this being the first time we were ever called out on something like this, and the first time we were ever accused of improperly treating our children, we spent the better part of the next couple of hours discussing it amongst ourselves. We talked about what happened with the kids, how we handled them, should we have handled them differently, what the woman said, what Brian said in response, and so on. Secretly I churned over in my mind that I should have come to my husband’s defense in the argument instead of just telling him to ignore her and walk away.  We did both agree of course, that if a child is truly being abused either one of us would step in and say something, or even call the police. In fact my husband once witnessed such a sad offense by a father, spanking his child over and over again for an extended length of time in a parking lot. He didn’t call the police and still to this day wishes he had. We learned a lesson from that experience.

What we did decide in the end is that the only thing we should have said to her was “Awww… Bless your heart.”

• Bless your heart that you too care so much about children.
• Bless your heart that you too want to protect all the children in the world.
• Bless your heart that you think the threat of a pinch, and not an actual pinch, is child abuse.
• Bless your heart that you feel so strongly about your convictions that you would stand up against my husband, who you now apparently believe is committing assault and battery against my son, who could pummel you in a second if he was in fact such a violent man.
• Bless your heart that you have a 6-month old in your stroller and have never had to discipline your child yet. When ours was 6-month old we too were completely against ever having to raise a hand or finger to our children and vowed that such forms of discipline are completely wrong. How could anyone ever even consider such a thing?!
• Bless your heart that you think from a short sentence said to our own child that we are scarring our child, and not in fact keeping him from immanent danger of getting run over by a car.
• Bless your heart that you didn’t see that as soon as my husband said such a horrible thing to my son he sat back down in his stroller without even fussing and was safe and sound.
• Bless your heart for not knowing that I once had to have an all afternoon and evening debate with myself and husband and call on various friends and family for advice on how to properly discipline my two children for their horrendous behavior that wound up with huge discussions on whether or not we should spank our children, what are proper forms of punishment, if spanking is correct, how to correctly spank, etc. etc. Yes, an abusive parent would do this…
• Bless your heart for not knowing that I once threatened to spank my son with a spoon, at the advice of my Italian friend, but never actually followed through with it. Yet the threat was good enough because he has never since done that same offense and sometimes when I ask him what he thinks his proper punishment should be for something he actually tells me I probably should spank him with a spoon because he did something so naughty. But yet, I’ve never actually done this or hit him with ANYTHING!
• Bless your heart that you have this tried and true Yankee saying, and now truly understanding, the meaning of “bless your heart.”
• Bless your heart that you can come to judge people so quickly and adamantly think your judgment is the correct one, no matter what is said.
• Bless your heart that you don’t know that we live and would die for our children and do everything in our power to protect and love our children.
• Bless your heart that you don’t know that we sacrifice EVERYTHING for our children and every decision we make in our lives now always involves thinking about how it will effect and benefit our children.
• Bless your heart that you don’t think you need to know someone’s situation before calling them out on something you know nothing about.
• Bless your heart that you have the gall to say such things to us, especially in front of our children and start a fight with us in front of our children.
• Bless your heart that no matter what is said you will stick to your guns and insist you are correct and that the police should be called on such horrible violence as the threat of a pinch.
• Bless your heart that you actually think the police would arrest someone for lightly pinching their son, even though you didn’t actually witness said offense.
• Bless your heart that you have never had a three-year old and five-year old son at the same time that you have to keep safe and sound at all times, no matter what they do, where they run, what they jump off of, what strangers they think are safe to go talk to, what plugs they think they can stick things into, what chemicals they think they should spray in their eyes AND taste…
• Bless your heart that you think child rearing is only black and white, with no shades of grey.

So, to parents out there, whether they think they have the answers or are still searching for the answers, I say just one thing to you: “Awww… Bless your heart.”

OTBS #32 - Too much to ask

All I want is a clean house, a happy family, and some sanity. Is that too much to ask?

On The Bright Side: It’s good to have goals.

OTBS #31 - Crazy 8

My kids are driving me crazy and it’s only 8am!

On The Bright Side: Chick-fil-A is open already! And they will even bring me my drink. Woo Hoo!

"The Most Important Interview You Will Ever Do"

The best inventions came from people who had a need or use for something. Velcro, scotch tape, Starbucks… Susan Fieldstein had a desire to remember her children’s sweetest moments as they were growing up, something I’m sure all of us moms can relate to. So for 18 years Susan conducted a Birthday Interview with her children. She would ask the same questions each year in an interview setting with her children starting during their toddler years and year after year caught these precious moments on tape (yes, it was tape back then…).  What she got was a lifetime of beautiful memories in the words of her children.

“As parents, we are sure that we will remember. How can we not? These are the most important memories we will ever have – the memories of our children growing up. From the time our daughters were toddlers until they turned 18, our family has conducted a Birthday Interview. This tape allows us to go back in time and hear their voices, to remember the gift of childhood.”

Susan recognized that this was in fact something that other parents could benefit from and created a kit to help parents save those cherished moments. This product is called “The Birthday Interview TM”. She has created a kit that makes it easy for us to benefit from her experience and success during this process. “My hope is that The Birthday Interview will become a cherished gift for your family,” says Susan.

I was able to watch Susan grow this product from concept to finish. I have one for our family and love it. My boys struggle to sit down for an interview but what I have gotten will be cherished for years to come. What Susan now offers in her Birthday Interview kit “is a keepsake box that contains everything you need to conduct an interview every year on your child’s birthday, using your video camera. Every year, add the party invitation, pictures, and any other special reminders to the keepsake box.”

The box contains:

• A booklet of suggested interview questions
• Tips for conducting the interview
• An instructional DVD with sample interview clips
• Custom Labels
• Storage for media

I love this product for our family. I think every family should have this kit. It should be a staple that you give when a child is born or at a baby shower, like diapers and bottles and baby books. It should be a standard for a birthday present and I’ve in fact given it as a gift to a few special children myself.

The Birthday Interview has been on shelves but now has an opportunity to go on a more massive scale. It has been entered in Walmart’s “Get On The Shelf” contest. Please, if you like what you see in the great video posted on the website, vote for this heartwarming kit created by a typical mom with some brilliant and creative ideas that she managed to bring to life. And if you are interested in purchasing some now, before Walmart picks it upyou can contact her directly at 910-256-3595.. Either way, check it out. What a great idea! Congratulations, Susan, and thank you for sharing your vision with us!

See part of one of Aidan's interviews from his birthday in 2010 by pressing the play button above.

DON’T JUST CHERISH THE MOMENTS BUT THE PEOPLE IN THE MOMENTS

It’s not just those special moments in life that we need to remember and cherish, but the people in those moments, especially the people that don’t have to be there but choose to be. I would like to think that I’m always grateful for our family for being a part of the big moments in my life, and I certainly hope I express that to them, but this is making homage the other people - the people that don’t have to be there, that aren’t expected to be there, but choose to be none-the less.

At our wedding, I knew it was a day we would remember forever, of course. I knew I would always have a special place in my heart for our minister that married us, and for the music that helped to make the day magical. But what I didn’t know at the time was how important our minister that sang at our wedding would wind up being in our life. She sings like an angel, which is why we asked her to sing at our wedding. Her rendition of The Lord’s Prayer is unforgettable and still brings goosebumps to my arms when I think about it. Yet there turned out to be more. She was pregnant with her first son at the same time I was, something that made me feel a little closer to her. She was at our first son’s baptism. She baptized our second son. She came to the baptism parties and the wedding reception. She came to my house and prayed over me when I was on bedrest with my second son (she couldn’t do it for the first because she was on bedrest but we came to her side instead). Laura chose to be such a memorable part of our cherished moments and I’m so grateful that I can see that now, after so many moments that she’s been there for. She is no longer our minister now. She has gotten to lead a wonderful church in a new town, and we have since moved. But Laura will always be in my heart. I knew she was a participant of these cherished moments at the time but I didn’t realize until later just how much I would cherish her for choosing to make the days special with us.

The same goes for some dear friends. I knew I would always remember my bridal shower, but how much I cherish the people that thought enough to throw it for me, and how much I recognize what a beautiful celebration they put together, now that the moment is over. They chose and volunteered to make that moment special. And the people that don’t throw the big moments but just choose to show up! How blessed I am to have them too. Clearly our wedding was our biggest day, and so I was honored to have my good friends there, but now I can see how many of them continued to show up! What blessings they are. You don’t think about how important the people are that come to your child’s birthday parties – you just think about making that moment special for your child. Remember to cherish the Alaina Kims and Gina Goods and Lisa Kings that bring their children to each party you throw, despite the 50 parties going on during “birthday party season.” Birthday parties just won’t be the same without them now (Since we’ve moved I think we might have to have a party back in Wilmington just so we can continue the memories with those friends that have become so dear). They now are the people that made those moments special, not just the moments themselves. Remember the Brock and Kailey Okines that drove two hours to be a part of your son’s fifth birthday party as a surprise. Those are the things I seem to remember more now than the actual moments themselves. I’ve also realized that I should have been taking group pictures of all the guests at these events because it’s amazing to see how many are repeat moment-blessers over the years and to remember the ones that were special enough at the time to come.

What about the “family friends” that become like family, but actually aren’t real family. So, they choose to be your family and they choose to make those moments special. Like the Rolquin family, who we’ve gotten to watch their beautiful children grow up, and now have been a part of our life and our children’s lives? They were the first friends I introduced my husband to, they were Bride’s Maid, Flower Girl and Ring Bearer in our wedding, they were at each shower, each baptism and are the Godparents of our youngest son. They threw our second son’s baby shower. We’ve taken amazing family vacations together that I will not only remember but will also remember that they were a part of. I’ll remember the bonfire on the deserted island, Jeremy voting his dad off the island, the happy birthday song they sang to me on the boat at Smith Mountain Lake, the blue bird house they gave me while we were away, the kids parties they showed up for even though they didn’t have little kids any more. Volunteering at the last minute to help us pack our condo up to move to a new city, when we realized we were a few people short. Cooking our whole family dinner for us that night.

I could go on and on, but I think the point is made. Don’t miss recognizing the people in the moment because you are caught up in the moment. The moment is nothing without the special people that care enough to be there even though they are not required to be. And maybe, just maybe, start telling them how important they are. Send them a note. Make a phone call. Write a blog… Let them know that they are what makes your moments beautiful.

When I was 8 years old my mom and dad got married. We moved to Manhattan. On moving day my mom’s friend Hack took me out to see some sights in Manhattan. He did it so my parents could move without me bothering or distracting them. What he actually did was create a moment for me that I’ve cherished forever just because he chose to be there. He took me to places in Manhattan I never saw before and have never been back to, particularly an underground subway museum. He taught me to remember my new address and phone number, and to this day I still remember those!  I remember the day and my time with him vividly.  I hadn’t seen him in 15 or more years but years later, when I was in my late 20s or early 30s I wrote him a letter, telling him how much he meant to me on that day. The details I remembered that he created by being there and that I was so grateful that he chose to be such an important part of my life on that day. I didn’t hear back from him but he did call my mom and told her how much it meant to him to hear from me and to hear about how he became such a memorable person in my life, totally unintentionally. He’s since passed away and I have no regrets because I told him.

So, my suggestion is to write a letter to someone who didn’t have to be there but was, someone who doesn’t know that they became so important to you on such a special day. Write just one letter. Then the next day, write another. Keep going until you run out of people or moments, then make more moments with more people. Don’t stop. Pay homage. Let them know. Become one of those people in one of their moments.

(To those I didn’t mention, there are too many to name, this is homage to you too. I love you all and cherish you all and am blessed by you all. I hope you know who you are, but if you don’t you just might be getting a letter from me in the future… but I am grateful for you just the same.)

Is Finding A Church Like Finding A Wedding Dress?

I recently made an analogy that seemed ridiculous at the time, but have since realized it may not be so silly. I’m looking for a new church for my family. We just moved to a new city and see this as an opportunity to find a church that suits all of our family’s needs. At our old church, we were married there, had our children baptized there, and made our church family there. When my husband once suggested trying out a newly built church in the same town I quickly turned him down, feeling like I was betraying our church and family.

Now that we have moved, we can open ourselves up to all possibilities. We made a mental list of what is important. The number one thing, of course, is that it is Christ based. After that comes what we feel would be beneficial for our children. I’m sure every family has different needs on that front but to us we needed something where the children weren’t expected to sit quietly through an adult service or any portion of it. Ours don’t sit quietly. They don’t do anything quietly. In fact I’m writing this as my 3-year old pounds on a drum symbol with a maraca… There are other factors we’ve considered in our search but I needn’t go into them here.

So I made several calls to churches I’ve seen in our new area checking to see if they meet our “criteria”. I’m doing the major searching because my husband will work most Sundays so I’ll be the primary attendee (secretly this has put a weeknight church service on my list of must-haves). I found a church that seems very interesting to me. It’s a “super church” so to speak with a large membership and A LOT going on, very different from what we came from. We came from a Methodist church with a 1200 person membership. This one probably is substantially larger, with 2 campuses and is “inter-denominational” led by a minister with a Lutheran background. I attended this church with my 2 young boys one time. The “contemporary-ness” of the church will take a little getting used to, but I feel like we hit the head on the mark with this church!

Here’s where I get ridiculous – I really feel like it’s like picking out my wedding dress. When I picked out my wedding dress I had a list of features that I thought I wanted. I looked around at ideas for a while, then when I went trying them on the first dress I tried seemed to be The One. But I couldn’t buy my wedding dress after trying only one on, and it was very different from what I thought I wanted. To hide some major body flaws, what I wanted was long-sleeves and a light weight fabric with an empire waist. What I tried on had very short sleeves, was off the shoulder, had a low waist and was a full and heavy, yet beautiful fabric. This couldn’t be it after trying on one dress, could it? So I tried on about thirty more. Really. The second one I tried was what I thought I wanted with the empire waist, long sleeves, light weight fabric yet it looked so matronly on me. I tried on many different versions of that dress, then various combinations of those features and features of the dress I tried on first. Then I tried on dresses that were similar to the first one but slightly different, finally realizing the first one was the dress that was perfect from the very beginning. It made me feel beautiful, it made me glow, it was different than I expected to find but perfect just the same.

How picking out a church is like picking out a wedding dress:

1. You’re scared to stick with the first one you tried on.
2. You can try on lots of different ones. The options out there are endless.
3. It can be overwhelming. Take a deep breath and step back for a little bit if you start feeling overwhelmed or anxious.
4. Making a list of what features are most important to you is helpful in knowing where to start.
5. Keep an open mind. You might think you know what you want, but once you start trying them on you find you have different preferences and needs than you originally thought.
6. It should be a fun experience, sometimes even a little emotional.
7. It’s always good to get a loved-one’s opinion on your final choice.
8. When you do make your decision there is a great sense of relief and accomplishment.
9. When you find the right one, you will know it.
10. Now get ready to shine!

That’s how I feel about looking for a church. I wanted to stick with a Methodist Church, small like our old church and as close to what we had as possible, just with more options for the kids. What I found has all the bells and whistles, and not at all like our old church. It’s still a white wedding dress, or in this case strongly Christ based, but a lot fancier and “shinier” than I thought I would be attracted to. A non-denomination, super church with contemporary music was not what was on my list. The question is, will I try on a lot of different churches when I think I found the right one from the start? Here’s where the church is unlike a wedding dress – I get to wear it for a while and see if I like it and can always try on another one at a later date and not be stuck with the original purchase! So, what I plan on doing is going to this six-part sermon series that the minister is doing, that I was lucky (and when I say lucky here I mean I think God intervened and worked it all out) enough to catch the first day of the series as my first sermon at this new church. After the 6 weeks I will decide if I will keep attending this church, but right now it looks like a hit on the first try and I would be so relieved to not have to try a bunch more dresses (churches) on in order to make my decision. I pray that finding a church is most like finding the wedding dress and less like finding the husband… I had a lot more heartbreaks before I found the right husband!

For those interested in learning more about the church I believe we will be calling our new home… It’s Crossroads Fellowship.

OTBS #30 - Good Day

Today was a good day.

On The Bright Side: I’ve really started to learn to recognize and enjoy a “good day” and just what a good day means to my family and to me.